Moving forward with grief, healing

WATKINS, Minn. — Across the United States, people in agriculture roles face high levels of chronic stress due to financial pressures, unpredictable weather and long hours, leading to a suicide rate 3.5 times higher than the general population. Retired farmer Barbara Ruhland experienced that tragedy firsthand when her husband, Larry, died by suicide 20 years ago.

“Farmers are a different breed,” Ruhland said. “They don’t want to talk about failures, and they don’t want to talk about fears, so they just don’t talk.”

The Ruhlands, who have five children — Jason, Eric, Craig, Kevin and Tina — originally milked dairy cows on their farm near Watkins. They sold their herd in 1997 but continued raising steers and heifers for another dairy.

Larry, who was like a gentle giant at 6-foot-5 inches, was always cheerful and loved pulling pranks, making people laugh and telling stories, Ruhland said. But beneath his constant smile and outgoing personality, Larry was struggling with debt, isolation, grueling farm labor and contract renegotiations. The stress and pressure eventually became overwhelming, leading Larry to take his own life in April 2006.

“He had help morning and night, but he was doing all this stuff himself, so he wasn’t sleeping well,” Ruhland said. “He was tired, but I didn’t chalk up that symptom, because we had all these things. He was also here by himself all day long, so I’m sure that didn’t help. Those are the symptoms that I didn’t pay attention to until after.”

After Larry’s death, Ruhland was left with nearly 500 head of cattle, debt and no idea what to do next. In his final note, Larry left a message: “Save the farm.” Driven by grit, courage and stubbornness, Ruhland spent the next two years working alongside her children to sell the herd and equipment while saving the farm.

“It was them that helped,” Ruhland said. “They were at the table and were helping process everything. It was all about trying to save the farm, and we did.”

Each of her children contributed their own strengths as the family navigated not only a difficult time, but difficult decisions as well, Ruhland said. Her sons supported one another, while Ruhland and her daughter sought professional counseling. However, it took around a decade to find someone who helped her process the trauma and how to heal.

“It took me four different therapists,” Ruhland said. “It’s a multi-step thing; I didn’t go to Ted after Larry died, get absolution and then be all healed. It’s been 20 years since he died, and courage is probably what has kept me going.”

Ted Matthews, former director of Minnesota’s Rural Mental Health program, played an important role in Ruhland’s healing. A psychologist with experience in the Air Force, hospitals and natural disaster responses with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, Matthews spent more than 30 years helping farming communities across the Midwest through education, training and therapeutic support.

“One thing you always need to understand is you’ll never stop all suicides, so the idea is to lower the rate as much as you can,” Matthews said. “The way you do that is through education, talking to people who work with farmers and understanding we’re all in this together.”

Matthews retired from his role last year, but the Minnesota Department of Agriculture continues to offer resources for farmers and their families experiencing anxiety, depression or stress. The state-funded Rural Mental Health program provides support by phone without requiring a diagnosis or paperwork often associated with traditional care, Matthews said. Additionally, having professionals who understand the complexities of farming can make the services more accessible.

“Farming changes drastically, and you can’t always simply say what a farm is,” Matthews said. “If you’re a dairy farmer, that’s a lot different than if you’re a crop farmer. The kind of stresses, physical things and passing of the farm is also totally different now than it used to be.”

In Ruhland’s experience, she said stigma remains a major barrier to seeking help. Farmers face pressures year-round, including loan and equipment decisions, pests, crop yields and market prices. Even a successful harvest may offer only temporary relief before planning — and worrying — for the next season.

“Farmers feel vulnerability is a weakness, but I feel vulnerability is a strength,” Ruhland said. “If we could just get over the fact that vulnerability is not a weakness, then it will take courage to ask the questions.”

Recognizing warning signs early is another important step. Changes in routine, mood, behavior, physical appearance or daily activities may signal that someone is struggling. Withdrawing from loved ones, experiencing extreme mood swings or undergoing noticeable weight changes can be red flags, Matthews said.

“We are all different in how we react to things, and oftentimes, we don’t know how we’re going to react until after the fact,” Matthews said. “If someone goes to church every Sunday and all of a sudden they stop going, that’s a red flag. Reach out or bring it up, but it’s also OK to not be right and them not be suicidal, because all you’re doing is showing you’re concerned.”

Depression and other mental health struggles do not always appear as sadness. Ruhland said they can show up as isolation, aggression or frustration as well. She encourages farmers to treat mental health care as they would any other necessary tool.

“If you have a problem, there’s part of this whole little toolbox, like therapy (and) medications,” Ruhland said. “They would definitely go to the shop and get the tools they need, so they need to do that now with their mental health.”

She also highlighted the importance of self-care, including regular exercise, proper nutrition, getting enough sleep and taking time away from the farm. These steps can help farmers manage stress and make sound decisions.

Mental health support can also extend beyond therapists and other professionals. Bankers, extension agents, veterinarians, feed and seed salespeople, business managers and agricultural teachers may notice when someone is struggling. These community members can offer support, connect farmers with resources, and remind them they are not alone as well.

Through her time with Matthews, Ruhland found a space to work through the aftermath and gain new perspectives.

“He was the whole ball of wax,” she said. “‘How are we going to move forward? What are we going to do about this?’ That’s what I liked about him.”

Two decades after Larry’s death, the Ruhlands’ farm looks much different; equipment sits idle, no animals roam the property and someone else rents the land. Yet, Ruhland still lives on the property she and her children fought to save. The farm is now debt-free and remains an important part of the family’s legacy, filled with memories, challenges and emotions.

“It was my goal to prove to family and friends that this is a good place,” Ruhland said. “This is a place where you can have love and happiness, and it succeeded.”

Despite the progress she has made, Ruhland said survivors’ guilt and grief do not simply disappear; healing requires time, courage and support. She credits her faith for helping her and continues to grow while spending time with family and visiting the lake.

And as she continues to honor Larry’s memory and raise awareness about suicide prevention, Ruhland hopes other farm families will feel more comfortable asking for help before experiencing a tragedy. She encourages them to also be open to different options for making money, ask difficult questions early, and recognize that seeking help or taking time off is not a sign of weakness.

“You don’t get over it,” Ruhland said. “You can do all you want to try to make things different or happier, but it’s still a wound.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Minnesota farmers and rural residents can call the Minnesota Farm & Rural Helpline at 833-600-2670 or text FARMSTRESS to 898211. The AgriStress Helpline, through the AgriSafe Network, is also available at 833-897-2474 by phone or text.