Staying married

My wife and I were on a grocery hunting expedition recently when we bumped into an old friend. We had chatted for a few minutes when our friend said, “You two always seem so happy when I see you.”

At that moment, I was overtly happy because I had just learned that my favorite beer was on sale. However, our friend had a point: My wife and I are fairly happy. We’ve managed to stay married for 45 years, which is somewhat of an anomaly in a world where people change partners almost as casually as they change socks.

I don’t pretend to know the secret of a happy marriage, but I’ve gleaned a few guy-oriented pointers over the years and will gladly pass them along.

— Dish soap and laundry detergent are powerful aphrodisiacs. No, don’t dab those substances behind your ears or slather them on your manly area. Use the stuff as intended: to wash dishes and clothes. Nothing makes a guy resemble Brad Pitt more closely than saying to his lady, “The dishes are done, and I’m almost finished with the laundry.”

— Randomly send her flowers for no particular reason. This is especially effective if your Significant Other works with a group of women. Your lady will be asked by her coworkers if it’s her birthday or anniversary. When she says no, she will be asked, with rising suspicion, “What did he do?” to which your lady can answer, “Nothing. He sent them just because.”

This is not a time to be cheap. Don’t pick your neighbor’s chrysanthemums and bring them to your wife’s workplace. Go to a florist. Spend what you normally would for a month’s supply of beer. Scribble a little something on the card. The two words “Just because” will suffice.

— Listen to her. I mean really listen. That football game might be exciting, but what’s more important: your wife or that third down? Don’t answer that. Your wife needs to relate, in great detail, the latest developments in her world. Women live in an entirely different social universe than us guys, a Machiavellian ecosystem that’s rife with hidden enemies and secret alliances.

It’s much easier to be a guy. When we guys meet, we simply grunt, caveman-like, in acknowledgment and resume whatever we were doing such as burping and scratching.

Females’ obsession with clothing is a byproduct of their uber-complex lives. When women decide what to wear, they weigh an infinite set of factors including “Will any other female in the entire galaxy be wearing this same outfit?” and “Does this top go with these shoes and my purse and these slacks and this eye shadow and…” You get the picture. Guys ask just two questions when deciding what to wear: A) Does this fit? and B) Is it clean? Asking question B is optional.

— Regularly take your ladylove out on dates. Couples with children at home have incredibly hectic lives. It’s not enough that you both hold down full-time jobs; you also have to take the kids to hockey practice, ballet lessons, piano rehearsals and soccer practice. I wouldn’t be surprised if kitten petting lessons made that list.

When our two sons were young, my wife and I made a point of going on dates at least once a month. Upon announcing the impending outing, our boys would cheer and ask, “Do we get David?” David was our sitter and was much cooler and a lot more fun than I. It eases the conscience when your kids sing and dance when you take leave of them.

— Be nice to each other. Some while ago, my wife confided, “I almost left you a couple of times during our early years, but I’d had two babies by then, so I was stuck.” I was thoroughly and deeply stunned. Leave? Me? A guy who’s practically perfect in every way? I thought back to that time. There was the strain of operating a struggling dairy farm, the unrelenting workload, the dark pall of financial stress. An old proverb says that every farmer needs a wife because there are some things he can’t blame on the weather or the government. I realized that, at times, I acted in ways that put the sting of truth into that aphorism.

You have a bad day at work and, when you get home, you’re gruff with the dog. It grieves me profoundly to admit this, but there were times when I was nicer to our dog than my wife.

—The two most important words you can say are “I’m sorry.” Say them often and mean them, even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong — perhaps especially if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

Jerry Nelson is a recovering dairy farmer from Volga, South Dakota. He and his wife, Julie, have two sons and live on the farm where Jerry’s great-grandfather homesteaded over 110 years ago. Feel free to email him at jerry.n@dairystar.com.