A recent headline trumpeted, “Women pull ahead of men in education levels.”
     Yes guys, it is official. There is now irrefutable evidence of something that our wives have insisted all along, specifically, that many husbands suffer from testosterone mental impairment. This explains why men generally are not nearly as smart as women.     
    There has never been a lack of women who believed that men have cornered the market on stupidity (or dumbth as comedian Steve Allen liked to call it). But, it is also possible that TMI produces vastly different standards in the way male and female brains interpret things.
    For instance, an event that a wife might perceive as being more idiotic than an episode of “The Three Stooges” might be construed by her husband as nothing less than genius. A couple of anecdotes my wife brought home from work illustrate this point.     
    It seems one of my wife’s coworkers owned a beagle dog. The pooch was built like a typical beagle with big, mournful eyes, short, stubby legs and long, floppy ears.     
    One day, this particular coworker noticed a trail of water dribbles that started in their bathroom and wended its way across their tiled kitchen floor. Her wifely intuition kicked in, and she instantly deduced the obvious, namely, that this was somehow her husband’s fault.     
    An investigation proved that the husband was not responsible at all. Their beagle had been drinking from the toilet and the dog’s long, floppy ears had been sopping up water and leaving messy trails of wetness. This did not reduce the husband’s perceived guilt one iota; he had been the one who left the toilet seat in the wrong position, after all. He was summarily ordered to do something about it.     
    Imagine the woman’s surprise when she later saw their beagle saunter through the living room with his ears tied over the top of his head with a piece of red yarn. You would think the lady would have been proud of her husband’s simple yet elegant solution. But, no. She instead untied the dog’s ears and told her husband to put the stupid toilet seat down.
    The next day, the woman gave her cadre of female coworkers a detailed recounting of the incident. This tale of TMI provided no small amount of merriment for the ladies.    
    Hearing that story prompted another female coworker to relate an occurrence which attested to her husband’s dumbth.     
    The second female coworker’s husband (a man who is a college graduate and a successful attorney) had spent the weekend installing one of those so-called invisible fences. These systems are used to discourage dogs from running away and joining the circus.
    The couple’s 4-year-old daughter was helping her father by following him around and pelting him with questions. When the little girl learned that Fido was going to be fitted with a collar that would administer electric shocks, she sat down and began to cry.     
    “It won’t hurt him, Sweetie,” said the man in his most reassuring tone.
    The little girl remained inconsolable, so the TMI sufferer got down on his hands and knees and put the collar around his neck.
    “See, Honey?” he said. “See? It doesn’t hurt. … NNG! MFFF! GAAAK!”     
    From my point of view, this is an example of pure, unadulterated brilliance. Once word of this successful demonstration gets out, a cry will echo across our great land demanding that all attorneys be fitted with similar devices. Just imagine how much smoother our judicial system will run.
    Judge Judy: “Overruled. I’m warning you for the last time, Counselor. Sit down and shut up.”
    Lawyer: “But, Your Honor. My client is totally innocent. He said so himself. And, everybody knows that an elected official would never lie to ... NNG! MFFF! GAAAK!”     
    You can see how women might view what the husband did as a prime example of male dumbth. But, I think it is a breakthrough that could benefit all of humanity.
    The woman’s husband/lawyer was just fine. In fact, he will probably sue the electronic collar manufacturer for not including a label which states, “Warning. The unsupervised use of this device by husbands may result in massive amounts of wifely merriment.”     
    Well, I better get going. My wife says that supper is ready, and we are having soup. I have suddenly gotten a great idea about how to prevent my beard from becoming sopped.     
    Hmm, I wonder where we keep our red yarn.
    Jerry is a recovering dairy farmer from Volga, S.D. He and his wife, Julie, have two grown sons and live on the farm where Jerry’s great-grandfather homesteaded over 110 years ago. Jerry currently works full time for the Dairy Star as a staff writer/ad salesman. Feel free to E-mail him at: jerry.n@dairystar.com.